The Deconversion of a Unicorn

This is my second (maybe third) attempt at writing my "deconversion" story fully. I find it difficult because as I start writing I remember more and more things that helped "awaken" my critical thinking skills which led me to doubt. The other reason it has been so difficult is I am having a hard time remembering which events came first or if they were simultaneous. I think instead of agonizing over this I'm just going to write it as if this were a diary (but public because I'm crazy). If you would rather read a very compressed version of my story go here otherwise keep reading.

 I was raised in a very conservative and religious household. We went to church every Sunday and either every Tuesday or Wednesday depending on age. I first accepted Jesus at the age of seven, I still remember this event today (and I have a terrible memory). I remember being in the living room at my Dad's house and sitting on the couch looking out the window when I prayed the "sinners prayer". I never questioned my beliefs until after high school. Ironically ever since high school I have always felt "called" to challenge peoples belief systems.  Again I struggle to remember the correct order of events but these are a few of the things that spurred my quest for additional knowledge. The following events happened between the ages of 20-25

• The Daily Show - I watched The Daily show since its inception, back when Craig Kilborn was the host and it wasn't political at all. Had I tried to watch after Stewart took over I think my cognitive dissonance would have kicked in and I would have tuned out. The one episode that led me to start questioning my conservative values was with Jim Wallis as guest. He was on to promote his book God's Politics. I found it very interesting so I had to pick it up.
• God's Politics - Reading this book challenged many of the things I thought I believed. It was more of a liberal christian viewpoint of the bible. Challenging my notion of capital punishment, war, poverty/charity etc... This was my first real exposure to differing Christian views. 
• Christian music/P.O.D.- I was very into the Christian rock scene (don't judge me) P.O.D. being at the forefront of this movement (to me at least) as such I was a frequent visitor to their forum boards where I would lurk onto the religious discussion thread. This was the first time I had ever encountered non believers and the dreaded atheists
• Small group part 1- I was a member of a small group at church called College and Career, a group for 18-26 year old "young adults". In this group we discussed many issues of the day. In one meeting the question came up "If a friend gave you a book on eastern religions, would you read it?" I was the only one that answered yes (apparently the correct answer was no) My reply then was "If my faith can be shaken by a book, then I don't have strong enough faith" 
• College - I had decided as part of my "calling" to convert those of other religions, I needed to have at least a basic understanding of other religions. I took a World Religions course where I learned the basics about the major world religions and most importantly more about my own.
• Small group part 2 - My parents also had their own small group meeting at our house and I don't remember exactly the topic but I know during the discussion I asked one of the associate pastors " If tomorrow a study came out undeniably refuting the God of the Bible as being true, would you still believe" the answer was "Of course I would!" This is when I realized that these people were not interested in truth.

These things all contributed in awakening my critical thinking skills, but none of them "made" me an atheist. For a few years I was what I can best now describe as a Christian Deist. I believed Jesus was the son of God and came to "save" us. I just no longer believed that God really interacted with the world and I accepted the Bible had many historical and contextual inaccuracies. It was around this time a friend with similar worldview handed me a copy of Dawkins' "God Delusion". Even after reading it I still didn't identify as an atheist but I did slowly migrate into what is best described as a pantheist or as I identified Jedi.

It probably took another year or two of reading various things that I finally realized and accepted that I no longer believed in any sort of deities or supernatural entities. Even then I wasn't immediately open about it, but I had a twitter account and through Ricky Gervais I found @MrOZAtheist and @gspellchecker. For months I lurked and read their tweets/posts and finally felt ready to "come out" to friends and family. I lost a few friends and have become the black sheep of my family (I'm not shunned, but things are different) It was probably close to another year before I decided I wanted to try and help others through their own transition and created the @UnicornOnMoon account you all know me as now, but that story will come another time.

Again sorry for the weird format of this post, but I really struggled with the timeline and this was a way to get out a few of the "reasons"
I may post my rough, unfinished, draft in the comments if anyone cares to read that

Thanks for reading

Is Heaven Immoral?

I tend to commonly baffle my christian friends and family (not mention those I encounter online) with my statement "If heaven was real I'd rather not exist than go there, heaven is immoral". I'd now like to expand on to what I mean by that. As such for the remainder of this post I will be assuming Heaven is real (taken from a Christian perspective).

Firstly even the concept of a heaven/hell scenario seems horrible to me. IF we get our sense of justice/mercy from a god, how then does infinite punishment/reward for finite crimes fit our understanding of justice/mercy. True justice is when the punishment meets the crime exactly and mercy is alleviating punishment based on empathy/compassion/forgiveness. What crime could we possibly commit in a finite life that would justify infinite punishment?

Assuming heaven exists, I strongly believe that being there, for me, would either be a form of torture or completely immoral. It would be torture for me, mentally, for me to enjoy the "joys" of heaven while I know people I care for (or just people in general) are burning in hell. I care too much about the well being of the people I love to idly sit by and worship a deity that has deemed billions of people unworthy of "paradise". Based on my actions here on earth I know that I would begin a petition to release those in hell and if that didn't work I would out right revolt (is it possible Lucifer did what he did because he is more moral than God?) IF a god is truly responsible for our sense of empathy and compassion why allow me the ability to care for others on earth if for a far longer time (forever) I have to suspend those emotions?

The only way I could enjoy heaven is if God fundamentally changed who I am as a person in such a way that I am no longer me.  This, in my opinion, is an immoral act. We would not abide by those standards here on earth. Can you imagine the outrage if we tampered with someones brain to the point where they could no feel empathy (or any human emotion)?

If I die and a god tells me I have done well enough to receive the "gift" of eternity in heaven I will gladly and without remorse reply:
"Thank you for the offer sir (assuming male here) but I respectfully decline and would rather be non-existent"
I guess I can only hope he would be merciful and accept my request.

thank you for reading
thoughts and comments are always welcome

-Moon Walking Unicorn

How an Atheist Deals With Tragedy

First let me make it very clear that this is how I have dealt with tragedy and is in no way a blueprint.

Twelve years ago today (Feb 15 2001) my 14 year old brother and his two best friends (ages 15) were killed in a car accident. They were on their way to a high school basketball game when a man ran a red light and T-boned the vehicle they were in, killing all three instantly. Maybe some other time I will go into more detail about my brother and/or the accident, but that isn't the purpose of this post.

At the time I was a very devout christian and to be honest the belief I would see my brother again was comforting (and still is to the rest of my family) so how do I deal with days like today now? I try to remember my brother for who he was and how as a teenager he was so full of life and didn't let his stature (he was very short) stop him from doing the things he loved. I try to allow his passion for life live on through me. I do not believe in an afterlife, I do not believe I will ever see my brother or his friends again and it isn't that I'm "OK" with that I just understand it.

My newly found passion is to enjoy the one life I know I do get, and I do this in various ways. Most recently I have tried to become a bigger part of the online atheist community with the main objective to be an ear to others that find themselves struggling for whatever reason. That to me is the best way to honor my brothers legacy and his "spirit". Sometimes a listening ear or a hug can change somebodies day and that is what I try to do.

We all will (or have) come to a point where we will have to deal with tragedy and there are no magic words to make everything better. The idea of heaven is comforting to some, but that doesn't make it real. I know the stages of grief but understanding them doesn't make them easier to go through. What does make it easier is friendship and family (and sometimes a beer)

If I can give advice to anybody that is going through grief it's this: Allow people to be there, don't shut yourself away, but also don't be afraid to pause and reflect.

My advice to anyone that has a friend going through grief:
This isn't about you, if they ask you to go away do it, but let it be known you are always around. Above all else don't abandon them 3 months later the pain doesn't go away and phone call or a night out can make all the difference.

Sorry this post is a bit of a ramble and all over the place, but as you can imagine today can be a bit emotional

Thanks for reading hope it was helpful

p.s. sorry theist these events didn't make me mad at god in fact at the time I ran towards god it wasn't until much later that I began to understand god was only a figment of my imagination

You are an atheist, now what?

You have finally come to the conclusion that you are an atheist, and like many of us did/do you are asking yourself "now what?" Do you become a vocal atheist ready and willing to debate all theist? Do you hide the fact that you are no longer a believer hoping not to be shunned by family/friends? Religion, for all its faults, brought a sense of worth and direction in ones life, what does atheism offer?

The beauty of atheism is now, maybe for the first time, YOU get to choose what you do with your life! No Pastor/Preacher/Imam/Rabbi telling you what gods "calling" is for you. Only you can give your life meaning and worth and I think that's what makes this life better than the one controlled by dogma and outdated traditions.

You want to go out and debate theist? You can, but you don't have to. If you want to continue living your life the way you always have (minus of course that pesky guilt ridden god thing) you can do that too. Nothing and nobody tells you what kind of atheist you have to be.

I do however have some words of caution for you. Remember YOU are the one that changed your belief system, not your friends and not your family. Some (maybe most) will abandon you or pull back their friendship to lower levels. This is to be expected and really it is not unlike any other time in our lives where something significant changes. Remember when you left that job at (insert job here)? You and Johnny were the greatest of work friends and now you never or rarely see him. What changed why did your friendship fall apart? It is simple really the thing that brought you together was a common interest, the workplace. The same will happen now, friends that you may have had for years will slowly fade away, they may even say some nasty hurtful things. I am not excusing this sort of behavior, but try to look at it from their perspective. You changed and not only that you are saying their god isn't real, harsh reactions are to be expected.

Another problem we can find ourselves getting into is treating our new found atheism like a shiny new toy. It can be hard to remember that not everyone takes the same journey as us. They haven't read Dawkins, Harris, Hitch, or even the Bible. They don't know the same things you do. Remember your deconversion didn't happen over night, be gentle.

I don't say these things to scare you are push you from being a vocal atheist, I think more are needed to at least let the world know we are not baby eating, murderous, criminals. We are your neighbors, co-workers, friends, etc...

For possibly the first time YOU CONTROL YOUR LIFE, be who you want to be for the reasons you want to be it

p.s. If you need or are looking to get involved in some sort of community you may be interested in joining your local Humanist, SSA, or Free Thinkers club/society..... or you can find a great group of us on Twitter just tweet with the #AtheistRollCall and we'll find you and maybe even like you

Thanks for reading
remember you are never alone!

Moon Walking Unicorn

I once was addicted to a drug called Jesus

Hello friends,

I used to be addicted to Jesus. Like most addictions it started when I was young and ignorant. I was raised in a very religious house that showed me all the wonders of the Jesus drug. I was hooked at an early age, at about 7 I "gave my life" to Jesus vowing to always obey his laws and sell his "enlightenment" to everyone I knew. I did just that, getting my childhood friends to dabble in the ecstasy that is the "presence" of god by taking them to Sunday school and Bible camp, you know the "good" stuff.

By the time I reached high school I was completely addicted, shouting from the rooftops how great my life was and how others needed to "get in on this". I began to see the world differently and all the "evil" that was in it. The gay kid in my class must be told the errors of his ways so I ridiculed him mercilessly. After all my dealers (pastors) told me it was a sin to be gay and if they didn't stop their hideous ways they would burn in hell for eternity. Out of "love" I told this classmate that daily and mocked him and was genuinely afraid of catching his "disease".

Not long after I graduated high school my 14 year old brother was killed in an auto accident. Thankfully I knew he was "saved" and thus would be in heaven. This pushed me deeper into my addiction leading me to read the Bible daily and want to become a youth minister so I could make sure no one would be sent to hell if they died the same age as my brother.

I can't really pinpoint what brought me out of my addiction, except my thirst for more Jesus led to more bible reading and trying to learn the history of the church/religion. During my binge sessions I began notice things that didn't quite line up with my world view. The first to fall was my approval of capital punishment, Jesus clearly stopped a women from being stoned to death so he wasn't for it why should I be? More and more layers began to fall as I slowly opened my eyes to the damage I've caused to not only myself but to people I claimed to love.

Religion taught me about people before I even met them. Gays are evil, atheist are immoral, members of other religions are blinded by their culture (the irony!). I had only met one gay person up to this point, never knew an atheist and the few other religious people I encountered were moderate "users" at best. Then I began to open my eyes to the world around me,  my coworker is gay? but he's sooo cool and doesn't even prance! My friends brother in law is an atheist? but he's the most generous person I know! None of these people fit what my religion taught me about them, why? Questions led to more questions and less need for a preexisting world view. My therapy had started.

I still sometimes weep knowing how poorly I treated that young man from high school and I see everyday the damage caused by people like me. As it turns out my baby sister is gay and although she has come out to most of her friends and some family my parents don't know and she fears being kicked out of the house if they find out. This is partly why I have adopted the unicorn as my identity since so many would see it as a "gay" creature.

Like all addictions I still struggle at times with erasing the preconceived notions of  the people around me, but I know with the help of my new family (that's you twitter friends) I will overcome!

I sincerely apologize to all those I've hurt and to those that struggle because of people like me I hope it gets better, please stay strong! Don't let others ignorance be the cause of your pain

Thanks for reading friends
@UnicornOnMoon